Updates

Managed to get some decent sleep by 11 am. Woke up a a couple of minutes ago. On a side note, I still had dreams during that time, and it still involved my job. But at least it was less shocking this time. I guess I better get used to it; it seems that my employment involves my participation 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Not an Option

Right now, quitting is not an option. I actually have several reasons:

1) Bond. First and foremost, I'm required to stay with the company for a year or else I have to pay a fee which is way beyond my budget now.

2) The company. I do care for the company and they did spend time and money in training me. I want them to recuperate their expenses, after all. And since it's not even two months, I'm sure that's not the case if I suddenly quit.

3) Discipline. I'm not the type of person that gives up. Actually, while my job is difficult, it's not something I can't cope with. It's more an issue with my nerves and probably personality. Sure, it's nerve-wrecking and quite a challenge, but for me, quitting at this stage would be the easy way out. I'm not yet at my limits. I don't want to quit. I want to boast that I stayed at my job for at least a year (although I'll probably settle for 6 months depending if my psyche can't take it anymore).

4) Paperwork. There's also the matter of the paperwork, which I'm not familiar with, and I still need to get my TIN processed, which'll take several months. And without my TIN, getting employment for my next job will be difficult.

5) Salary. I really don't want to depend on my parents again for my allowance. I'm dependent on them as it is. "Earning" your own money also has its own sense of fulfillment.

6) Where Will I Go? Let's face it, finding a decent-paying job is difficult. So the question I must ask is that once I leave my current job, where can I find a job? Of course by now, after this entire experience, I'm both lowering and raising my standards. And I've discovered a lot about myself, and what I really want to do.

7) Those Who Depend on Me. We work in teams at my job. If I leave abruptly, they'll be the ones who'll suffer the most. And it'll also reflect bad on my trainers, the HR people that hired me, and eventually the company. I really don't want to leave that kind of mess in my wake.

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Dichotomy

To pass the time as I recover from my nightmare (the specific details of which I'll narrate later), I've been catching up on my reading. In this case, it's Sophie's World, which is taking me a week to finish because of my lack of time.

Interestingly enough, I was at the point where it was discussing Freud. And perhaps that's the cause of my unrestful sleep for the past two weeks. On one hand, I'm not suited for my job: I'm anti-social at heart, and fulfilling the demands of other people is not really in my persona. On the other hand, I want to be good at my job. Obviously, the two are conflicting with each other. And so, I've been repressing the former in an attempt to survive my day to day experience with work (honestly, I can't imagine myself working at a call center for the next 11 months... I have to take it one day at a time). And while that has actually been effective (you can't imagine the morale-boosting exercises I perform just to make myself go to work), it's really taking a toll on my psyche.

Of course it's also a sign of my perseverance and endurance. I will endure. I will cope with the pressure. I'm a person with a will.

On a side note, I'd like to mention that for the past two weeks, even in my dreams, I'm still taking in calls. There are even times when I hear the phone ring, I immediately say "hello" even if I'm not the one answering the phone (or the fact that I'm far away from the phone).
Losing Myself

Interestingly enough, the dream that interrupted my 30-minute sleep involves me pondering what day it was. I mean when we start the day, we usually know what day it is. Since I was dreaming, I had no idea whether it was Monday or Saturday. And then I remembered it was a Saturday but could not remember the specific date. So I started with my reference point (Monday, September 20), and started counting until I reached Saturday. Of course the real date and the date I came up with didn't exactly match. And throughout this entire time, I was thinking of how long I'll have to work (which is why dates and time are important to me, at least at a subconscious level).

My body (in the real world) was even groping for my mobile phone in an attempt to get the time and date. When I coudln't grasp it, I "lost" myself since I couldn't place myself in the right "time" (so perhaps I believe in the theory that time and space comprise a dimension of existence).

What I Want to Do

On my way to Mega Mall yesterday, I ran into one of my batchmates, Joy, who was taking up law at Ateneo's school in Rockwell. It made me realize that one of the things that I really want is to be a plain student, soaking up knowledge without the burdens of providing for yourself. I mean that's why I liked my first month of work: it mainly involves training. Studying and listening to lectures (and of course participating in them) is something I enjoy.

Of course I know that unless I have a wealthy patron, I can't always be studying for the rest of my life. And as much as I want to soak up knowledge, practical application of it is needed for the development of the human person. And there's the matter of wisdom as well.

Of course studying is not the only thing I want to do in life. There are other job opportunities that I want to pursue but are currently inaccessible at the moment (or aren't financially rewarding). I mean it would be simple pleasure to be the shopkeeper of a bookstore, a comic shop, a hobby store, or an anime-related enterprise. Unfortunately, that can't sustain me forever. Similarly, there are other jobs that pay well and I think I'm qualified for, but the slots are currently filled and aren't interested in hiring me.

There are also jobs that I'm in the middle-ground: not necessarily something I enjoy, but not also something antithetical to my existence as well. This is most likely the job I'll be pursuing once I manage to quit my job (hopefully after fulfilling all my contractual obligations) if I don't manage to find other opportunities. When you're at rock-bottom, everything else appears pleasant.

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Terror

I was just sleeping a few minutes ago when I woke up because of an awful experience. I was thinking about my job and then I suddenly felt the pressures of it. I woke up with my heart beating fast and in a state of confusion. I'm okay now but still, it's a jarring experience that makes me want to resign. Except I can't.

Maybe I'll have a nervous breakdown one of these days and leave acting responsible to someone else.

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Weekend

I wasn't able to attend the last cosplay event yesterday evening due to my work but that's okay. Right now the weekend is time for me to unwind and relax.

Work Focus

Three days ago, I came to the realization that while I had talent and perseverance, I won't get far with my job without one essential element: the will to continue doing so. I mean sure, a call center job is difficult, and as I mentioned before, it's the most difficult experience I've felt in all 22 years of my life. A number of people have cracked under the pressure and resigned. I have an excuse to take the easy way out. It's tempting to do so.

But I believe in good work ethic, in personal growth, in maturity. I mean what job isn't difficult? Sure, some jobs are more pleasant than others, but in the end, you still need to struggle and exert effort. If I quit now, I'll probably regret it later because it means I gave up. And sure, while there are some things that you should give up, I don't think this is one of them. That doesn't mean I'll never quit my job, but rather stick to it for the agreed upon time for the company to recuperate its expenses.

And of course, I can't do that if I continue to count the days and the months before I resign. I shouldn't fear my job. I shouldn't necessarily like it (although there's a lot I like about my job), but I should have determination. That's the only way we conquer our own weaknesses, after all.

I'm a human being. That also means I have a will. And that will shapes the emotions I feel, the attitudes that I have. And you know what, the moment I was focused and determined, everything became slightly easier.

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Plug: JROCK event

hello guys! i'm inviting everyone who're in Metro Manila, Philippines that this coming October 16, 2004 there will be a music festival. Highlight of the festival include several bands playing jrock covers! Better yet we have 2 bands who're planning to play DeG! Rotschreck and Black Plague! Other bands are 7th Thursday, Dou Ahou, Neotaku, Progeny etc..

we are currently pre-selling tickets for 60php, reservation is at 80php and ticket prices on the day itself is at 100php

the venue will be at 2nd floor Crisanta Tower 325 Capt. H. Javier. st. Pasig, Metro Manila Philippines

the event starts from 1:00pm and ends at 10:00pm for inquiries please email it to xblackplaguex@gmail.com

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Courtesy of Vern

Magic: The Gathering Novel Proposal Guidelines. It's even a setting I'm actually familiar with!

Savings

Right now, I'm giving up all of my hobbies in an effort to actually come up with a savings account. It's no exagerration when I say I have no money in the bank. And I really, really want to start my own business as soon as possible. Unfortunately, that won't happen several years from now. Which is why earning a lot of money and actually managing to save a portion of it is my highest priority at the moment.

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The Sands of Time

Time has been a scarcity as of late that I've forgotten how to procastinate. If I can do it now, I will. Free time stopped being a luxury. I've also cut down my sleep hours down to six, so that I can find the time to eat, read, and watch TV.

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More U Got Game Pics

Courtesy of JM

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Options

Sometimes, it's nice not to have options. Because then, the only direction you can go is forward. The only choice in the matter that you have is how fast or how slow you'll reach your destination.

(Un)fortunately, there's always options when it comes to life. It makes struggling to do the right thing more difficult. But then again, that's the point isn't it? That we choose to do it even when we have the option not to.

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Stye

Right now, I have a big one under my left eye. It hurts a bit and is quite inconvenient.

To Help Calm My Nerves

Can anyone recommend a good book to read? Or if anyone has book orders, tell it to me now since I'll be making my monthly book orders when I get my paycheck.

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The Anne Rice Incident

It happened last week and Anne Rice's controversial post has disappeared from Amazon but you can still find her original post here.

Here is a related news article stemming form the incident. Taken from Kim.

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