Saturday, March 27, 2004


Yesterday was my graduation (along with the other Humanities and Social Science seniors) and with 800 of us in attendance, it took the better part of three hours (and that's without the mass). Saturday's graduatees took an extra hour longer.

Apparently, it pays to practice for graduation (but when you have a batch as large as ours, you do need to devote a significant amount of time to have a "real" practice, and unfortunately that was not something we really had) because ours had a lot of... mishaps and mistakes. I mean there were errors in the giving of awards, some students didn't bow, and some nearly didn't get called (the last five students of Humanities didn't get called because they thought that it was the end of the page already but fortunately, word quickly got word to them so the awarding of the Social Sciences was interrupted by the last-minute addendum for the last five graduates of Humanities). Not that all these mistakes lessened the feel of the entire event. Nearly everyone was celebrating once we graduated; there were tears, hugs, and cheers, and of course, lots of photographs. My feet were killing me the entire time, especially considering I still had to commute home (and had to find Elbert whom I entrusted my bag to).

My Graduation

It was an exercise of willpower on my part because I didn't want my parents to be at my graduation. And as I told people I have lots of reasons for doing so.

1) It's my sisters graduation as well and unlike me, she still looks up to my parents. It would matter a lot if both of them would be there for her graduation.

2) It's not worth the hassle. Dad, for example, would complain about the parking (in addition to getting lost at campus). On my part, I'd still have to look for them before my graduation and after the graduation, amidst the crowd of 800 families. It's really not convenient for either me or my parents.

3) I want this to be my graduation. I mean they've been to my grade school and high school graduation, dictating what school I went during those times and how I should live my life (and my mom being who she is, bragging about the accomplishments of her son so that she can look better in the eyes of her social circle more than sheer pride in me [which is also why I seldom tell her any of my accomplishments, because they'll only end up as gossip]). As much as I owe something to my parents, I also owe something to myself.

4) I'm sorry but my entire family is stubborn (myself included). This also makes driving a point difficult (especially my father who really doesn't listen to reason [and doesn't make an attempt to reason at that], while my mother believing only what she wants to believe [but unlike my dad has feeble attempts at reasoning, sometimes even using deceit]) and one can think of this as me training them for further disappointments. Honestly, there's a lot of things I still have to contend with my parents (such as me not being allowed to marry a non-Chinese female), and this is just the skirmish in a series of future battles.

5) It's also proof for my parents that I can commute to and fro without depending on a car, and that I do things differently from what my family expects or from the norms of people.


As usual, there's inner turmoil in me. A big chunk of it is due to loneliness. Yes, there are people who do care about me. But honestly, sometimes, it's not the people you expect or want. And this can be a bad thing because even if they care for you, they can't relate to you and vice versa. It's also different to fraternize with someone who's your peer or who shares the same interests as you, as with someone else. I've been fighting for acceptance my whole life and graduating hasn't changed that. There are many people who tell me "but you have friends that you can talk to" but don't offer to be your friend. Or if they do, it's as I said, someone you don't expect or really want (yes, I do befriend these people, but the kind of relationship you can have with them is more limited compared to the ones you can have with your peers or someone sharing the same interests as you).

Another point for internal conflict is my nonexistent love life (and yes, people tell me the time will come when it will come). On one hand, I still have feelings for the girl I've been chasing for the past four years (let me rephrase that... I had no chance with the girl in the first place [she doesn't like me, etc.]... what I've been chasing for the past four years is a chance; failure was already expected as the default-- what I've been striving for was a shot at it, not the final success). And some people know that the deepest despair one can experience is those tinged with the occassional hope. On the other hand, there's this other girl I like and at the moment (i.e. past year), seems to accept me. In the end, it comes to a decision of who I choose to love, which at this moment is something I'm not 100% certain (and in the end, only I can arrive at this decision). It really doesn't help that the two probable crushes are friends (which seems to be the pattern yet makes perfect sense, since like-minded people are drawn to similar people). I mean I had a crush on Rin five years back, and then when I finally got over her (I'm not as foolish as to "replace" love interests since that's not only doing harm to me but to the other person as well... which is why I don't believe in flings or as Jobert put it, "trophy girlfriends". Of course it takes huge willpower on my part to decline, and people do know that the most moral choice is seldom the easiest choice to make.), I meet her best friend...

Job security comes at a distant last, because honestly, there are people who are in a far worse situation than I am. The worst thing that can happen to me is not to have money to fund my hobbies. At least I won't starve, at least I have a roof on my head. (But job offers are always welcome, and I do need the cash.)

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Thursday, March 25, 2004


Procastinators (myself included) always have this illusion that there'll always be a tomorrow. There's always be later, and later can stretch for as long as it can. One of the speakers in my church several months ago (or was it years?) did mention a story before. It went something like this:

The devil was congregating with the other demons and asking how to sway people from God. One of them suggested that they lie to people and tell them that they (evil) doesn't exist. The devil told them that can't be because people innate recognize that there is good and evil (although they might not necessarily be able to distinguish which is which). But one of them suggested that they tell people they still have "the time to change", and the devil replied that it would most likely succeed, because people always tell themselves "I'll always have tomorrow" to change or to do this and that.


'Tambay' is the Filipino slang word for people who just loiter in a particular area. Of course yesterday on my way to Glorietta (to buy books!... and with the paradox that is me, it's books mostly for other people), there was a film shooting at the MRT station. Naturally, the place was crowded, mainly because a lot of people were watching the filming. Then it occured to me how much free time these people have. Don't they have something else to do? I really can't believe the amount of tambay's that are in the particular area and nothing attracts them more (the cliche goes "like moths to a flame") than a film shooting.

Longest Day of My Life

Not by choice, really. Barring sleep-overs (in which I really don't get any sleep and should be renamed "stay-over" rather than a "sleepover", but perhaps retain the latter so that our parents don't have to worry), this is probably going to be one of the longest days. Mass starts at 7:30 am (hence me waking up at this ungodly hour), there's a practice after that. I then have a few hours of break (or I could stalk the Management and Science people as I watch them practice) and 3 pm is the call time for our graduation. Grad officially starts at 4 pm and could last as long as 7 pm. Then I have to commute home and by 9 pm, there's the "graduation dinner" for me and my sister (hopefully it's not a Chinese restaurant).


Elbert Or: I'll just wait for you at the end of graduation so that you can accompany me to return the togas.

Charles Tan: Errrr, it's going to be a long wait. There's the rest of the alphabet: P, Q, R, and S.

Elbert Or: You're right. And there's all the Tan's...

Charles Tan: Actually that's not really the case. Most of the Chinese are in Science and Management. Their graduation is tomorrow. There ain't as much Chinese in the Humanities and the Social Sciences.

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Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Dour As Usual

Slowly been staving off depression for the past week and well, tomorrow's the inevitable day of graduation. Strangely enough, it's also tomorrow that we're having our graduation practice (practice in the morning and graduation in the afternoon means it's a whole day affair) so it's a stark contrast from my grade school and high school days where several days (if not weeks) are spent practicing for the graduation ceremonies.

Of course it occured to me to ask, how memorable was the speaker of your graduation? Sure, I mean some people do remember their own graduation, especially when they were on stage. But about the rest of the time? I probably remember more of my grade school graduation practice more than the graduation itself (well, mainly because there were more days spent practicing [and when I say practicing, I mean "singing"] than grad day itself). The same goes for high school as well (but that's probably a repressed memory).

I guess I can't procastinate any longer.

On a side note, I did miss out on the batch's "Blue Roast" event, mainly because I'm too cheap (P350 entrance fee), and it's an evening event (I'm not really the social-type of person despite me constantly wanting the company of others) which I have no ride home.

I've been stuck in my inhospitable (it's dark, it's hot, it's messy... no one would want to live in my room except me) Fortress of Solitude for quite awhile now.

I'm Starting to Dislike This Entry

Bleh. I *dislike* this post. It's so high-schoolish. Rant, rant, rant. Nothing but rants and self-pity.

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Sunday, March 21, 2004

The Real Deal

Got this from May Anne's LJ and it seems come April 6, the Ragnarok anime will be showing on TV Tokyo. And yes, it's the Ragnarok based on the Korean manga turned MMORPG, not Detective Loki Ragnarok.

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As The Days Pass By...

Lonely is the emotion I'm feeling. I feel I just want to sleep and forget all my troubles. But that's passing by my life, and I really don't want that to happen.

On a side note, it looks like fate is taking procastination's side as I just realized that come the second week of April, it's Holy Week, so that's one more week added to my "vacation".


Just came from my brother's condo earlier and I didn't realize how spacious a condo could get. It has something like five or six rooms, in addition to the kitchen. I'm sorry but I'm used to seeing dormitories where one room has it all (i.e. the sink, the bed, and the ref). Of course the fact that there really isn't much furniture yet lends to the "spacious feel".

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