Steph doesn't like me. Steph doesn't trust me. There's no 1% chance of me someday succeeding to win her affection. And while that empowers me to move on, the process is painful.

Before I rant and complain about my current state, I'm sure many of you are asking how I finally acknowledge this. After all, a guy who kept on trying for three years seems like a person deluding himself. I knew from the start that I had little chance. After all, who could love a person such as myself? But somewhere, once upon a time, Steph was comfortable around me and trusted me. We talked and we shared a lot of things. There was concern. And while that was gone a long time ago, I had always hoped that I could rekindle the tie.

Here I am at the present. No hope, no chance, no success. I guess it hit me when I she declined attending my birthday celebration for the third time. That was weeks ago. As usual, there's the excuse of being busy, and while true, she somehow finds the time for other stuff. *sigh*

Well yesterday as I was headed to meet Caleb, my carpool, I ran into Coni. It's the second time I saw her wearing a skirt, the first time during Physics class when she was dared by one of her friends. Anyway, she had an oral defense hence the outfit and since she didn't want to commute wearing a skirt, she called up someone she can hitch a ride with, whom I am presuming is Steph since she's the only one Coni actually hitches a ride with, their homes being a few streets away.

So what does that story have to do with me? Well, it's been some time now since I've been asking Steph's mobile number. All her friends know it but whenever I ask, she just gives me the reason that the phone isn't hers and that she's sharing it with her sister. Not that I couldn't know the number since it's easy for me to ask one of her friends but I want her to tell it to me, to actually trust me with it (not that I'm going to pester her or something). I mean I do know her house number and I rarely call. I'm really not pushing the issue since I know that she doesn't want to give it to me and accept that fact. Which only supports my belief that I have no hope and no chance.

I guess the most difficult part is that I have no motivation in life anymore. Steph was my muse, my inspiration whenever I succumb to weakness. Now I don't even have that.

And I'm always at the brink of temptation. I mean there are a lot of beautiful girls out there that I really find attractive. And sometimes, it's just so tempting to ask one of them out on a date. Except that I know I'll hurt their feelings and what I'm really looking for is personality, not just good looks. Not that the girls I know don't have a good personality but it's more of the specific personality I'm looking for. And since I'm really a weird person, my type is rare.

Of course there's also the irony that people I'm not in love with have feelings for me. There are homosexuals who have crushes on me, to my chagrin, and really beautiful girls who have great personalities but I know I'm not in love with and will hurt their feelings if I pursue the relationship. And it's actually quite hard to decline them (the girls... the homosexuals are easy... and Arcina dear, I am straight straight straight!). And as tempting it is for me to tell the story of that incident which happened a few years back, I won't.

Anyway, people shouldn't be too worried about me. I'm still writing, ain't I? And I'm not sulking as I used to do. You probably won't even notice it when you bump into me. And I'm broke, so there won't be impulses to treat other people out in a vain attempt to make them smile.