Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Dark Soul

Deep down, I'm really a coward. I want to run away from my problems. The first thoughts that come to mind is usually suicide. When I think about the future, I can't help but be depressed (although currently, I'm living more or less a comfortable lifestyle). I actually have several excuses to be so. For one thing, I'm twenty two, unemployed, and without a bright future ahead of me. The book Personality Plus claims that it's my tendency to behave so because it's my tendency as a Melancholy personality type. For most of my life, I've been a loner, the perpetual outsider (and that's more or less true until now). Oh, and it's Christmas, and I really don't have anyone to spend it with.

There are various factors affecting this sudden bout of depression. Usually, the weekend is something I look forward to, since that's the time when some of my friends hold their RPG games. Alas, there's been no game last week and again this week. I doubt it if there'll be one next week since it's Christmas. There's also the fact that lately, I feel more alone than ever. Sure, I get to meet old friends, but that's usually where it stops. No follow-ups, no calls. And well, not having a phone line and access to the Internet also hurts. My money is slowly being depleted as I have to go look for an Internet cafe just to check email and post blog entries.

Several years ago, I got depressed when my crush more or less rejected me. One of the ways I managed to cope was by helping other people and making them smile. Perhaps that's why I try so hard (sometimes to my financial detriment) to please other people and make them happy, as if their joy will make up for the loss of mine. And to a certain extent, it does help. Helping other people and making them smile gives me a sense of fulfillment, purpose, and more importantly, direction (sorry, I wasn't born altruistic).

Whenever I have my own bouts of depression (such as now), I also see the not-so-pretty side of people. Some people who you were there for during their own troubled times don't give a damn (not that I'm counting). Or some just trivialize your own problems. Or they begin to despise you. Not that it's entirely their fault. I mean I don't think anyone wants to be around a melancholy person. It gets everyone's mood down. Or perhaps my barriers aren't up that I say some things which I'm not supposed to say, and the other person gets offended. Sometimes I plainly have expectations from other people that they're not willing to meet, especially when I'm too engrossed in my own problems that I fail to see other people's problems (and let's face it, everyone has problems, not just me).

Anyway, I'm glad that I committed myself a long time ago not to kill myself. Forgive me for ranting. I know it's not often, and I'm often self-righteous in my writing, but deep down, I'm just a kid who wants to run away from his problems and be done with it all. My optimism and helpfullness is just a facade to a regular human being.


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