When I look back at the past few months, I find that life has been kind to me. Some would say that's a good thing. For me, perhaps it's made me worse.
Ever since I was a child, I never had it easy. Even at home, I found no respite. I'm who I am today because of the suffering I've endured. Now, I've achieved a state where things have gotten easier. I'm still not contented but things have definitely gotten easier. And it's for that reason that I've been holding back. I'm afraid of returning to that state. Thus I clutch on to my friends, perhaps holding on to them too much. I remember hanging around Steph too much last Thursday and Friday. I could sense strands of irritation, if not now then soon. I've been alone for the past eighteen years of my life. Why am I afraid not to see her for just a few days?
Regarding my love, I know it won't work out. I know she doesn't feel the same way towards me. But perhaps I've come to terms with that. The part that loves her is a part of me. I can't let it go. It just is. I won't fight it. I won't indulge it too much either though. Whether that love feels something in return is up to her. As for me, I'll just wait.
Duke, a former classmate, once gave me what he deemed is a psychological/logic problem. He gave me this situation: "You are courting someone. You are to give her ten roses. There are red and white ones. How many of each do you give to her?" "Ten red roses," I replied. Duke then gave me the interpretation: "You'll love someone wholeheartedly, even though she won't love you back." I feel that's my situation for the past three years. But it's something I've accepted were it to come true. I don't believe much in Duke's interpretation. It might even be a self-fulfilling prophecy so I stay aloof from it. But it lingers in my mind and so I've come to terms with that fact. There's only one way to love for me. It's without condition and wholeheartedly, without reserve. I could do no less.
I'm contented with my life right now. Life has been kind. I have no regrets, whatever the outcomes will be.
Ever since I was a child, I never had it easy. Even at home, I found no respite. I'm who I am today because of the suffering I've endured. Now, I've achieved a state where things have gotten easier. I'm still not contented but things have definitely gotten easier. And it's for that reason that I've been holding back. I'm afraid of returning to that state. Thus I clutch on to my friends, perhaps holding on to them too much. I remember hanging around Steph too much last Thursday and Friday. I could sense strands of irritation, if not now then soon. I've been alone for the past eighteen years of my life. Why am I afraid not to see her for just a few days?
Regarding my love, I know it won't work out. I know she doesn't feel the same way towards me. But perhaps I've come to terms with that. The part that loves her is a part of me. I can't let it go. It just is. I won't fight it. I won't indulge it too much either though. Whether that love feels something in return is up to her. As for me, I'll just wait.
Duke, a former classmate, once gave me what he deemed is a psychological/logic problem. He gave me this situation: "You are courting someone. You are to give her ten roses. There are red and white ones. How many of each do you give to her?" "Ten red roses," I replied. Duke then gave me the interpretation: "You'll love someone wholeheartedly, even though she won't love you back." I feel that's my situation for the past three years. But it's something I've accepted were it to come true. I don't believe much in Duke's interpretation. It might even be a self-fulfilling prophecy so I stay aloof from it. But it lingers in my mind and so I've come to terms with that fact. There's only one way to love for me. It's without condition and wholeheartedly, without reserve. I could do no less.
I'm contented with my life right now. Life has been kind. I have no regrets, whatever the outcomes will be.
posted by Charles at 5:45 AM
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